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The Joke Thread

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  • snowdogsnowdog Posts: 7,297 Valuable Player
    BREAKING NEWS
    Police in Liverpool last night pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed M.O.T. tested and insured.
    It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.
    The driver was sober.
    He had a full licence and no points.
    A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time

     :D 
    "This you have to understand. There's only one way to hurt a man who's lost everything. Give him back something broken."

    Thomas Covenant, Unbeliever
  • RuneSR2RuneSR2 Posts: 4,582 Valuable Player
    edited August 2019
    Just got this one...

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Europ vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

    Intel i7 7700K (4.5 GHz); MSI GeForce GTX 1080 8GB Gaming X (oc 2100 MHz gpu boost, 11 GHz mem speed); 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX DDR4 3200 MHz; MSI Z270I Gaming Pro Carbon AC (VR-Ready) mainboard; Samsung 960 Evo M.2 SSD + Toshiba P300 HD; Windows 10 OS; Valve Index and Oculus Rift CV1 - the latter nearly always using super sampling 2.0. 

    "Ask not what VR can do for you – ask what you can do for VR"
  • RuneSR2RuneSR2 Posts: 4,582 Valuable Player
    Just got this one:

    Stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, he saw something on the horizon…

    He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibility of a small boat or a raft.

    Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

    She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

    He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway... "Ahh, that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

    Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

    He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
    Intel i7 7700K (4.5 GHz); MSI GeForce GTX 1080 8GB Gaming X (oc 2100 MHz gpu boost, 11 GHz mem speed); 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX DDR4 3200 MHz; MSI Z270I Gaming Pro Carbon AC (VR-Ready) mainboard; Samsung 960 Evo M.2 SSD + Toshiba P300 HD; Windows 10 OS; Valve Index and Oculus Rift CV1 - the latter nearly always using super sampling 2.0. 

    "Ask not what VR can do for you – ask what you can do for VR"
  • hoppingbunny123hoppingbunny123 Posts: 723
    Trinity
    edited October 2019




  • RuneSR2RuneSR2 Posts: 4,582 Valuable Player
    The KGB Way 



    Intel i7 7700K (4.5 GHz); MSI GeForce GTX 1080 8GB Gaming X (oc 2100 MHz gpu boost, 11 GHz mem speed); 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX DDR4 3200 MHz; MSI Z270I Gaming Pro Carbon AC (VR-Ready) mainboard; Samsung 960 Evo M.2 SSD + Toshiba P300 HD; Windows 10 OS; Valve Index and Oculus Rift CV1 - the latter nearly always using super sampling 2.0. 

    "Ask not what VR can do for you – ask what you can do for VR"
  • snowdogsnowdog Posts: 7,297 Valuable Player
    I went to a Faith Healer yesterday and he was rubbish. Even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out. B)
    "This you have to understand. There's only one way to hurt a man who's lost everything. Give him back something broken."

    Thomas Covenant, Unbeliever
  • snowdogsnowdog Posts: 7,297 Valuable Player


     :D:D:D
    "This you have to understand. There's only one way to hurt a man who's lost everything. Give him back something broken."

    Thomas Covenant, Unbeliever
  • snowdogsnowdog Posts: 7,297 Valuable Player
    A man farts in bed and says, "1-0".
    The woman farts in bed and says, "1-1"
    The man farts again and says, "2-1".
    The woman farts again and says, "2 all"
    The man strains, farts, follows through and shits the bed.
    The woman says, "What the fuck was that?!!?".
    The man says, "Half time. Swap sides."

     :D:D:D
    "This you have to understand. There's only one way to hurt a man who's lost everything. Give him back something broken."

    Thomas Covenant, Unbeliever
  • RuneSR2RuneSR2 Posts: 4,582 Valuable Player

    Intel i7 7700K (4.5 GHz); MSI GeForce GTX 1080 8GB Gaming X (oc 2100 MHz gpu boost, 11 GHz mem speed); 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX DDR4 3200 MHz; MSI Z270I Gaming Pro Carbon AC (VR-Ready) mainboard; Samsung 960 Evo M.2 SSD + Toshiba P300 HD; Windows 10 OS; Valve Index and Oculus Rift CV1 - the latter nearly always using super sampling 2.0. 

    "Ask not what VR can do for you – ask what you can do for VR"
  • RuneSR2RuneSR2 Posts: 4,582 Valuable Player
    Image result for yoga jagermeister meme
    Intel i7 7700K (4.5 GHz); MSI GeForce GTX 1080 8GB Gaming X (oc 2100 MHz gpu boost, 11 GHz mem speed); 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX DDR4 3200 MHz; MSI Z270I Gaming Pro Carbon AC (VR-Ready) mainboard; Samsung 960 Evo M.2 SSD + Toshiba P300 HD; Windows 10 OS; Valve Index and Oculus Rift CV1 - the latter nearly always using super sampling 2.0. 

    "Ask not what VR can do for you – ask what you can do for VR"
  • Techy111Techy111 Posts: 6,735 Volunteer Moderator

    A PC with lots of gadgets inside and a thing to see in 3D that you put on your head.

  • RuneSR2RuneSR2 Posts: 4,582 Valuable Player

    Stopped By Police At 2:00 AM

    An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

     

     

    The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,
    as well as smoking and staying out late."

     The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

    The man replied, "That would be my wife."

    Intel i7 7700K (4.5 GHz); MSI GeForce GTX 1080 8GB Gaming X (oc 2100 MHz gpu boost, 11 GHz mem speed); 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX DDR4 3200 MHz; MSI Z270I Gaming Pro Carbon AC (VR-Ready) mainboard; Samsung 960 Evo M.2 SSD + Toshiba P300 HD; Windows 10 OS; Valve Index and Oculus Rift CV1 - the latter nearly always using super sampling 2.0. 

    "Ask not what VR can do for you – ask what you can do for VR"
  • RuneSR2RuneSR2 Posts: 4,582 Valuable Player

    Some blonde jokes...  o:)


    DISNEYLAND

    Two blondes were going to Disneyland .  They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.  They started crying and turned around and went home.

     

    FLORIDA OR MOON

    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'  The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

     

    CAR TROUBLE

    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

    She says, 'What's the story?'

    He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

    She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?

     

    SPEEDING TICKET

    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

    She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. 
    Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!

     

    RIVER WALK

    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

     

    AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

    'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

    The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

    'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

     

    KNITTING

    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

    'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

     

    BLONDE ON THE SUN

    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

    The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

    The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

    The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

    'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

    To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

     

    IN A VACUUM

    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

     

    FINALLY,  THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'  'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

    Intel i7 7700K (4.5 GHz); MSI GeForce GTX 1080 8GB Gaming X (oc 2100 MHz gpu boost, 11 GHz mem speed); 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX DDR4 3200 MHz; MSI Z270I Gaming Pro Carbon AC (VR-Ready) mainboard; Samsung 960 Evo M.2 SSD + Toshiba P300 HD; Windows 10 OS; Valve Index and Oculus Rift CV1 - the latter nearly always using super sampling 2.0. 

    "Ask not what VR can do for you – ask what you can do for VR"
  • RuneSR2RuneSR2 Posts: 4,582 Valuable Player
    Oldie but goodie:


    Intel i7 7700K (4.5 GHz); MSI GeForce GTX 1080 8GB Gaming X (oc 2100 MHz gpu boost, 11 GHz mem speed); 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX DDR4 3200 MHz; MSI Z270I Gaming Pro Carbon AC (VR-Ready) mainboard; Samsung 960 Evo M.2 SSD + Toshiba P300 HD; Windows 10 OS; Valve Index and Oculus Rift CV1 - the latter nearly always using super sampling 2.0. 

    "Ask not what VR can do for you – ask what you can do for VR"
  • RuneSR2RuneSR2 Posts: 4,582 Valuable Player
    I'm not religious, but I swear, suddently I saw Jesus!  o:)


    Intel i7 7700K (4.5 GHz); MSI GeForce GTX 1080 8GB Gaming X (oc 2100 MHz gpu boost, 11 GHz mem speed); 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX DDR4 3200 MHz; MSI Z270I Gaming Pro Carbon AC (VR-Ready) mainboard; Samsung 960 Evo M.2 SSD + Toshiba P300 HD; Windows 10 OS; Valve Index and Oculus Rift CV1 - the latter nearly always using super sampling 2.0. 

    "Ask not what VR can do for you – ask what you can do for VR"
  • RuneSR2RuneSR2 Posts: 4,582 Valuable Player
    Just got this one - don't know if it's too politically incorrect these days, but I do have a lot of black humor, or so I'm told. This one is simply called "Chinese Wedding":


    Intel i7 7700K (4.5 GHz); MSI GeForce GTX 1080 8GB Gaming X (oc 2100 MHz gpu boost, 11 GHz mem speed); 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX DDR4 3200 MHz; MSI Z270I Gaming Pro Carbon AC (VR-Ready) mainboard; Samsung 960 Evo M.2 SSD + Toshiba P300 HD; Windows 10 OS; Valve Index and Oculus Rift CV1 - the latter nearly always using super sampling 2.0. 

    "Ask not what VR can do for you – ask what you can do for VR"
  • ElusiveMarlinElusiveMarlin Posts: 290
    Nexus 6
    edited February 11


    RIFT CV1
    RIFT S
    Leeds, UK.

    Intel Core i7 7700K 3.7GHz | RAM 32GB DDR4 2666MHz | GeForce GTX 1080 8GB |

    "Behind every mask there is a face, and behind that a story...."
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