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The Joke Thread

RuneSR2
Level 15
I'll be happy to start  o:)

After 20 years of marriage, a wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
She figures there's no harm in it if she's there with him, after all.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a glass of red wine.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink that?"
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real witch tonight, Dave."

Valve Index & Oculus Rift CV1, Asus Strix OC RTX™ 3090, i9-10900K (5.3Ghz), 32GB 3200MHz, 8TB
"Ask not what VR can do for you, but what you can do for VR"

152 REPLIES 152

snowdog
Level 15
I went to a Faith Healer yesterday and he was rubbish. Even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out. B)
"This you have to understand. There's only one way to hurt a man who's lost everything. Give him back something broken."

Thomas Covenant, Unbeliever

snowdog
Level 15


 😄 😄 😄
"This you have to understand. There's only one way to hurt a man who's lost everything. Give him back something broken."

Thomas Covenant, Unbeliever

snowdog
Level 15
A man farts in bed and says, "1-0".
The woman farts in bed and says, "1-1"
The man farts again and says, "2-1".
The woman farts again and says, "2 all"
The man strains, farts, follows through and shits the bed.
The woman says, "What the fuck was that?!!?".
The man says, "Half time. Swap sides."

 😄 😄 😄
"This you have to understand. There's only one way to hurt a man who's lost everything. Give him back something broken."

Thomas Covenant, Unbeliever

RuneSR2
Level 15

Valve Index & Oculus Rift CV1, Asus Strix OC RTX™ 3090, i9-10900K (5.3Ghz), 32GB 3200MHz, 8TB
"Ask not what VR can do for you, but what you can do for VR"

RuneSR2
Level 15
Image result for yoga jagermeister meme

Valve Index & Oculus Rift CV1, Asus Strix OC RTX™ 3090, i9-10900K (5.3Ghz), 32GB 3200MHz, 8TB
"Ask not what VR can do for you, but what you can do for VR"

Techy111
Volunteer Moderator
Volunteer Moderator
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A PC with lots of gadgets inside and a thing to see in 3D that you put on your head.

RuneSR2
Level 15

Stopped By Police At 2:00 AM

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

 

 

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,
as well as smoking and staying out late."

 
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Valve Index & Oculus Rift CV1, Asus Strix OC RTX™ 3090, i9-10900K (5.3Ghz), 32GB 3200MHz, 8TB
"Ask not what VR can do for you, but what you can do for VR"

RuneSR2
Level 15

Some blonde jokes...  o:)


DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .  They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.  They started crying and turned around and went home.

 

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'  The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

 

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?

 

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. 
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!

 

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

 

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

 

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

 

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

 

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

 

FINALLY,  THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'  'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Valve Index & Oculus Rift CV1, Asus Strix OC RTX™ 3090, i9-10900K (5.3Ghz), 32GB 3200MHz, 8TB
"Ask not what VR can do for you, but what you can do for VR"

RuneSR2
Level 15
Oldie but goodie:

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Valve Index & Oculus Rift CV1, Asus Strix OC RTX™ 3090, i9-10900K (5.3Ghz), 32GB 3200MHz, 8TB
"Ask not what VR can do for you, but what you can do for VR"

RuneSR2
Level 15
I'm not religious, but I swear, suddently I saw Jesus!  o:)

8d6x7jk40dhq.jpg

Valve Index & Oculus Rift CV1, Asus Strix OC RTX™ 3090, i9-10900K (5.3Ghz), 32GB 3200MHz, 8TB
"Ask not what VR can do for you, but what you can do for VR"